(On 5th February 2003, Collin Powell, former General and the then US Secretary of State, addressed the UN in an attempt to offer concrete and absolute proof that Iraq had illegal weapons and was harboring terrosrists. Powell’s ‘proof’ was ‘proved wrong’ but by then of course it was too late and the US and the world is yet to get out of the quigmire that was created then.)
Mr. President, Mr. Secretary General, Members of the Security Council, let me outline the case against Iraq, again. Offer clear and unambiguous proof of the duplicity, deception and deceit of the Iraqi Regime in their attempt to evade responsibility for destroying their arsenal. Let me also be brief and to the point, as I have other more important meetings, such as the one with the editor of my upcoming book “A Lamb to Slaughter” to be available in hardcopy this June, 29.99 $ please, at all good bookshops.
Distinguished Members I know that the proof I offered on 6th of February has been questioned by some uninformed and uninterested individuals like say Dr. Blix. I even know that some members of the CIA, in sharp contrast to the opinion I offered, have been vocal about their conclusions on Al-qaeda and the Iraqi Regime not being in bed with each other. But come on. We need these associations. And it is up to them the Iraqis to prove that no Al-Qaeda had ever visited them.
After all didn’t they issue visas and offered government associated training institutions for hands on flight training to the September 11 Al-Qaeda terrorists. What, Oh Excuse me, was that us? Uh. Ok. delete that last sentence.
I know that Tony have had the same problems with his officials acknowledging the fact that their official terror dossier was pieced together from academic journals and magazine articles. But everybody mistakes especially when you are pressed to justify the illegitimate and the illegal.
But this time, we have irrefutable proof. Proof that even more frightening and insidious things are happening in Iraq, none of which can be, disproved, ever. Let them try.
- Saddam Hussein is actually an alien and his objective is to prepare the earth for eventual alien colonization. We have proof of this by the fact of his superior intelligence, in keeping us at bay. For as we all know it takes a special person, somebody out of this world, to outwit old George. We have even picked up radio transmissions in alien like languages, some of our analysts have suggested that such transmissions might be in Arabic but it is all Greek to us. Our foremost alien expert team of David Duchovny and Gillian Anderson (a.k.a Moulder and Scully) confirms that there is something happening out there. What more proof do you need.
- Instead of destroying the biological and chemical material he has been mixing them together and feeding them to Republican Guards and selected relatives including his own son. The idea or course is to kill them, incinerate their bodies and recover the material in an event of war. If he wants to deny these charges let him incinerate some of his relatives and prove to the world that this is not so. Well Come on. We are waiting, the whole world is waiting.
- Saddam is actually half-brother to Adolf, cousin to Ariel and related to Jack the Ripper by marriage. With such connections deep routed in his DNA it is up to us, the mighty and the willing, to rid the world of this abomination before he taints us. Us the gifted and the clueless.
- We have clear evidence that he treats his pets very badly especially his pet dog. We think that he keeps his dogs tied and chained to dark places. How do we know this? By satellite imagery and other visual aids. You have seen our President, often with his pet dog. Petting him and walking with him. Saddam is a president. Have you ever seen his dog? Why have he never brought it into the public eye unless he is ashamed of the way he treats the poor thing and want to keep it hidden away. The poor thing. As peace loving and individuals it is up to is to undertake a major military operation consisting of close to a million troops to try and save this dog we have never seen. It is the only right thing to do. Acting on your convictions is not cheap. But who is counting?
- Saddam is a werewolf and a vampire who sheds his skin every full moon and drinks blood. We have clear proof that the cigar he smokes continuously is actually filled with the blood of his enemies and invaders alike. He undertakes midnight rituals sacrificing lions and tigers and bath in elephant blood once every fortnight, a fact easily proven by the fact that Iraqi desert is today frightfully absent of lions, tigers and elephants.
Well so there you are. What more proof do you need? We should and must act now. Nuke this country to kingdom come. Hang On that is not right, we need the country intact and in working order for the precious oil. Cancel the order on the nukes.
The time to act is now. The case is clear the morals are right. We have the troops in place. For God’s sake we cannot just bring them back. You all know that.
February 2003